The RedMolly Picayune-Democrat

Not quite "very superior"

I saw this Marital Rating Scale written up on Kayla's blog, and then azureavian pointed out that it had been turned into a handy-dandy online test. Apparently, I am a "Superior" 1930s wife.

72 As a 1930s wife, I am Superior Take the test!

If I didn't "use slang or profanity" or "smoke, drink, gamble or use dope," I might have made it into that highly esteemed "Very Superior" category. Thank goodness I "often comment on husband's strength and masculinity" and don't "wear red nail polish" or I'd probably have fallen down into the "Divorce is an option, even pre-women's lib" category.

And how good of a '30s wife (or husband--there are multiple options!) are you?

Because I am far too lazy, I mean overworked

...to write a real post, here are some videos instead.

Rudy. It's about security.

"Shining"--the feel-good movie of the year!

I can has coconutz?

So John Scalzi went to the Creation Museum, took a bunch of photos, and is now inviting people to LOLcatsify them.

Here's mine, though I don't think I'm going to submit it.

Really, everyone else's are well worth checking out.

Backstory: Ken Ham, the genius behind the Creation Museum, once suggested that the reason T. rex had such sharp pointy teeth (pre-Fall, so it couldn't have been eating meat, dontcha know) was "so it could crack the shells of coconuts."

More backstory: The last time I blogged about the Creation Museum was here.

All I need to know I learned from KOREAN CENTRAL NEWS AGENCY

So when the New York Times is a little too Gray of a Lady, the Washington paper threatens to drive you Postal and the... er... local paper... seems overly... er, Oregonian... thank goodness that we can turn to that bastion of free speech and incisive political analysis, the Korean Central News Agency. If it's fit to print in North Korea, it's fit to be translated into a stilted, yet entertaining form of English and posted at their snazzy Web site.

Among today's headlines: "Promising Boy Artist." This story tells the heartwarming tale of an eleven-year-old boy whose artistic accomplishments have "startled people from his first work"--all without the unnecessary frippery of illustrations that would, y'know, show you what the kid's art looks like. But who needs pictures, really, when you can visualize his creations' content so clearly by benefit of their titles alone? "My dream of joining the army of the General and becoming hero" and "A Yankee I have captured" certainly speak for themselves. And of course, "[t]he boy artist... would [like to] become a soldier-artist to delight Kim Jong Il."

Kim Jong Il... wow, I think his name appears in more KCNA stories than it doesn't. Mofo gets more press than Paris Hilton. (I mean Kim Kardashian. Paris is so fifteen minutes ago. Wow... Kim Kardashian should hook up with Kim Jong Il. Would that make her Kim Kim Kardashian?) Frex: a book was just published in South Korea, of all places, lauding the philosophy and accomplishments of Kim Jong Il. And it is apparently  "the 30th anniversary of Kim Jong Il's famous work 'On Establishing Revolutionary Trait in Carrying out Party Policies.' " We learn that "the wise leadership of Kim Jong Il also found its expression in that he has led the party organizations to closely link the work of organizing and guiding the party life with the implementation of their revolutionary tasks and set an example of the times in devotedly carrying out the party policies and helped all the officials and party members earnestly follow it." Geez, it's like being back in core class at Kresge all over again. Or Stevenson Core, which was notoriously even more boring than Kresge Core. Go Slugs! Also: Party life? Party policies? I thought North Korea was a grim place... but apparently it's startlingly grooovalicious.

OK, back to Kim Jong Il (or K-Jiddy, as I like to call him). He certainly is one busy fellow! He recently spent a grueling day touring a military installation (the boys of KPA Unit 479. The fightin' four-seventy-ninth!), during which he feasted his eyes on such proletarian delights as "a wash-cum-bath house," which I don't even want to know what that is, thank you.

He highly praised the sub-unit for leading a tenacious economic life, pleased with the fact that it has not only successfully built cultural and educational and supply service facilities by thoroughly managing the unit the way the anti-Japanese guerrillas did but also splendidly conducted the sideline job to make its life abundant.

Looking round the compound of the barracks under trees laden with red persimmons and feasting his eyes on the mountain ridges covered with chestnut trees, he praised the commanding officers and soldiers of the sub-unit for having successfully spruced up their post, adding that this is one of the beautiful traits which can be displayed only by the KPA soldiers who ardently love the country.

See, now when's the last time you read a story about Bush visiting the troops and noticing anything as big and round and obvious as a persimmon, let alone something as ethereally picturesque as a mountain ridge, tree-covered or otherwise? "Heh-heh. Know what kind of trees those are, Big Time? Them's're chestnuts. Heh-heh. Nuts." (Cheney: "Waaagh!")

But, all joking aside, this story is absolutely sublime in its phrasing. I'm quoting it here in its entirety.

Highest Praise Awarded to DPRK Aerial Trapeze
Pyongyang, November 8 (KCNA) -- "Gold Lion Prize" Cup, the highest prize, and certificate were awarded to DPRK's aerial trapeze "Diverse Flight" at the 11th Wuqiao International Acrobatics Festival held in China from October 27 to November 4.

Acrobats of the Pyongyang Circus successfully presented latest technical movements such as treble flip-flap with simultaneous pirouette and quadruple flip-flap in the air, drawing the particular attention of experts and spectators during the entire period of the festival and winning a top point.

After watching their performance, many spectators of China, members of the international jury and participants in the festival were unsparing in their praises, saying that the present status of the festival would be unthinkable without the DPRK's aerial trapeze.

The festival brought together famous acrobatic organizations and acrobats from 16 countries including the DPRK, China, Russia, France, Italy and Canada and regions.

I would give anything if I could only perform a treble flip-flap with simultaneous pirouette. Alas, the imperial capitalist Yankee nature of my upbringing has rendered me incapable of so much as a cartwheel, let alone the type of gyrations that would cause acrobats from 16 countries (and regions!) to be unsparing in their praises.

My deepest apologies

...to those of you who may have come here as the result of a Google search. Because you are almost assuredly not going to find the information you are looking for, because this blog is guaranteed 100% Useful Information-Free.

For example, Mr. or Ms. "beirut prenzlauerberg lyrics," I have no freakin' idea what those lyrics are. Is it even in English? It sure is a pretty song, though, isn't it? And isn't it just completely wrong that this blog, of all things, should come up as #4 in your Google search? To console you, though, here's what I think he's singing:

"So you found my old line, Carl,
My time is more than most
The rent's all I hoped I'd found
But I don't know their names."

Completely useless, wasn't that?

And to the three (!) people yesterday searching for the lyrics to that execrable old Baptist favorite, "It's a Happy Day (And I Thank God for the Weather)": I can only hope that stumbling across this thoroughly non-Baptist site will open your eyes to the wide and wonderful variety of music out there that doesn't involve "livin' it for the Lord." Or hand motions. You can start with the soon-to-be-updated Listen list <-- over there.

Also, the lyrics are not that difficult to decipher. You could probably track down an old Gaither LP and run with it from there.

To the many folks who stumbled momentarily across the Pic-Dem by looking up "slim shady, you a basehead" or "hey kids! do you like violence?": Isn't it sad that Eminem appears to have retired? We can only hope that Kim or somebody smacks him with a big lawsuit and he suddenly needs to come up with a lot of money in a hurry. But if you want to read about Eminem, I really think it's a pretty damn good post on the subject.

And to the few, the proud, the eco-minded (including you, Lori!) who are in search of "squawk mountain countertops": they're actually spelled "Squak Mountain" and you can find them right here. My parents recently had them installed in their kitchen. They're made of recycled paper, fly ash (which is apparently some kind of industrial byproduct and not, sadly, burned-up houseflies) and other such goodies. Mom and Dad love them, though they do have a tendency to stain if you, frex, spill Jim Beam on them.

To the person who was looking for "dirty schwan's man" late last night, as well as the folks looking for "pimpin' nails" and "sid and nancy handcuffs" images... Ew. (Though, if I do say so myself, "I Traded My Baby for Crack Cocaine" was a fairly entertaining post.)

And finally, to the person in search of "list of current events for homeschool": I've got the perfect solution for you. It's called a newspaper. Fifty cents--buck twenty-five on Sundays--and the walk to the store'll do you good.

From the "Unclear on the Concept" file

Taken from the e-mail header of a particularly unfortunate piece of spam I just deleted:

"The sexist singles want to meet you!"

And this is supposed to tantalize me how?

Robotic salvation mechanism to change function

So the search for good old-fashioned army men, the kind that are about 2" high and extremely fun to pelt with dirt clods or blow up with firecrackers*, led Fisher, Rhys and me to Big Lots.

To those of you not privileged to live near a Big Lots: it's kind of like a dollar store, only more expensive. Lots of closeouts on random items (I got a great big tube of Dove lotion for $1.50!), much clutter in the aisles, many things of uncertain foreign derivation. It merits one, maybe two trips a year, just 'cause crapwatching is kind of fun and you can always load up on cheap wrapping paper if there's nothing else worthwhile.

So as the boys rummaged through a motley collection of cheap plastic toys, I leaned casually upon a shelf. My elbow nudged something: a large yellow box containing a large yellow robot. "Excuse me," I almost said to him upon meeting his polyethylene gaze. Then the name emblazoned on the package caught my eye:

How could I pass up such a tempting prospect? I could not resist. I had to pick up the box and check out what else it had to say about the "Salvation In One Superduty Gadder." And the rest of the copy did not disappoint.

Slayer on a Sunday morning

Televangelist Benny Hinn mows down the faithful with his Holy Ghost machine gun.

That'll get your blood moving!

There's also a version of some of the same footage set to "Yakety Sax," the Benny Hill theme. Funnier, perhaps, but not as long or as carefully edited to match beats in the music with beatings on film.

Technorati Tags: Benny Hinn, Slayer