How to tell if you're a bad homeschooler

Probably some of this just falls into the "you're a bad parent" camp as well.

1. Your kids yell "Five-oh! Five-oh!" when a police car drives by. (You taught this to them yourself, because you thought it would be funny.)

2. You wholeheartedly applaud the University of California's decision, recently upheld by the courts, to disallow religious curriculum from being used to fulfill science course requirements. Because "Goddidit" is not a scientific explanation. Also, since you used to work for  a UC campus' admissions department, you are fully aware that any homeschooled student admitted to UC is there as the result of an Admission by Exception decision, and so it seems silly to you for homeschoolers to care what sorts of curriculum UC will or won't accept anyway.

3. When people post to the homeschooling e-mail lists to which you subscribe with missives such as this:

Hi ,
I recently joined this group.I have a one 4.5 year old Son and 2 year
old daughter and fairly new to the HS world.My son recently started
writing and he would love to have penpal too.We are in NE .If anybody
is interested pl email me too.

you think to yourself, "Ought this person really to be in charge of the education of other people?"

Because a good homeschooler would think, "Wow, it's so great that this parent has decided to take responsibility for her own children's education, and she'll probably find that she learns just as much as they do in the process." And a bad homeschooler thinks that learning alongside your kids works great for things like the details of World War I aircraft or the plots of the thirty-eleven Shakespeare plays you haven't read yet or heck, even the basics of organic chemistry... but not so much for the essentials of freakin' English literacy.

4. Your intended curriculum for the first year of full-time two-kid homeschooling: math, phonics, grammar, art history, geography, vocabulary study, science science science. Your in-practice curriculum for the first year of full-time two-kid homeschooling: Legos, math when they show an interest in it, library books.

Your intended curriculum for the second year of full-time two-kid homeschooling: Legos, high school geometry when they show an interest in it, library books.

5. You have a nanny. What kind of homeschooler has a freakin' nanny?

6. Your nanny is a pierced, tattooed, Orange County-originating, horse-training lesbian who's majoring in mortuary studies. Your kids adore her and are sad when she's not around. (So are you. She's lots of fun.)

7. Your kids already have their first tattoo designs picked out. (Fisher's: a heart with "Mama Didn't Love Me" written across it--he picked this up from Raising Arizona. Rhys's: a unicorn with a skull impaled on its horn--he made this completely up out of his awesome little head.)

8. You let your kids watch "Metalocalypse," but only the episode where Nathan Explosion tries to get his GED and Murderface competes in the Celebrity Spelling Bee. Because it reinforces the importance of education.

9. Your kids have memorized multiple Eddie Izzard routines. Especially the Death Star Canteen one, which I know I've posted here before but is really worth revisiting. (N.B.: When reciting this one, Fisher voluntarily, and rather inexplicably, replaces all the swear words with "bleep." Rhys does no such thing.)

10. You've been putting off buying a very cool-sounding chemistry curriculum because it costs $30, but you saw an iPod boom box for $50 in the Target ad in today's newspaper and think that owning it would add immeasurably to your kids' lives.

11. Your kids are never, ever home. Right now they're driving with Grandma and Grandpa back from Colorado. They've been gone for almost two weeks. They were gone for two weeks earlier this summer. They were gone this spring, and just before Christmas, and you think last fall too. And every time they're gone, it sucks a little more. (Maybe there's a glimmering of hope for you after all. Maybe you could still turn into one of those good homeschooling parents whose children are never more than three feet from the shelter of her denim jumper.)

Comments

[V]

I've often thought a nanny would be a great solution to much of the aggravation inherent in homeschooling. When my husband needs help with his work, he hires someone. It's just hard to justify when I'm not getting paid, lol. But work is still work regardless and a fun assistant is a great boost all around. Just so you know--we are scruffy too, waste time on things that don't seem quite right and the kids end up well educated anyway. And nice besides. Go figure. love, V

[BlueLikeTheSky]

no, no, no, no...

You've described a GOOD homeschooler!

Since you are teaching your children to think for themselves.
Since you are letting their interests guide your curriculum.
Since you care enough to attempt at year's study about moss.
Since you groove on science.
Since you know and are letting them learn that words in songs and on tv are just that and nothing more.
Since they have, from day one, learned to value all people, not those who think or look just like them.

I could go on, but I think you get the idea! And the mortuary science part is just cool.

[Elf]

Oh Lord, #6 and #9 are cracking me up.

Otherwise I think BlueLikeTheSky pretty much covers it.

[summer Aiello]

Yeah I think it's all been covered in the aformentioned posts. I wish I had enough balls to attempt to homeschool Caden and the new lil' nugget. I feel like we would do copious amounts of reading and extensive studies on animal husbandry and little else.
Rhy's tat sounds pretty awesome.
Oh and I would LOVE a tatted' Lesbian nanny. I would love any nanny in general.

[Elizabeth]

A nanny?! You lucky dog!

Here's my confessions of a bad homeschooling mommy item: I hate crafts. Deeply.

[jenidallas]

*snort*

My laptop is now wearing my morning coffee as I roll on the floor.

And for the record? If I ever hear even a hint of a denim jumper in your future, I will be on a plane sooooo fast....

[suchlovelyfreckles]

I love that list. It describes a GOOD homeschooler if you ask me. :)

[sam]

First, my kids are now at least slightly familiar with Eddy Izzard, and that he came with Legos only sweetens the deal. We even have a Lego Death Star canteen on the floor.

Second, how unhappy would your son be if he learned that someone loved his unicorn with skull tattoo so much that they borrowed it? I seriously want that tattoo, and I'm due a new one soon.

[Lori V.]

Well, I guess I would be a terrible homeschooler then. :-)