I Traded My Baby for Crack Cocaine!

Is there any thrill more complete, any joy more unadulterated, than that of stumbling upon a new-to-you literary genre/subculture? Can any of life's more typical pleasures--chocolate suckers from See's, a sparkly-clean bathroom, a rollicking orgasm--possibly hope to compete?

Nope. They can't.

And that's why it brought me such unmitigated happiness, whilst idly clicking about online (I was looking for a discount subscription to Real Simple, if you must know), to discover the tawdry yet engrossing True Confessions magazine.

"Chained to His Bed!" "Seduced by a Priest!" "I Earned a College Education the Hard Way... On My Knees!" The stories' titillating (hee hee) cover slugs only hint at the delights to be read therein. From underage seduction ("I Was a High School Hoochie!") to Hatfield-McCoy crime sprees ("My Brother Died in My Arms--Killed by My Boyfriend from a Rival Gang"), no stone in the murky marshes of lower-middle-class Americana goes unturned-over to see what wriggles beneath.

Though these magazines' editors reportedly require authors to sign affidavits of their stories' factual basis, I have my doubts... see this excerpt from "Makeover Disaster."

“Blaze, this is my sister, Kelsey,” I said, a flat tone in my voice. I couldn’t look at Blaze’s reaction.

“Hi Blaze, it’s so nice to finally meet you,” she purred as she sashayed over to him. Her high heels emphasized the sway of her walk and she reached out to take Blaze’s hand.

She glanced slowly down the length of his body, and then slowly back up at him. When her eyes reached his, she slowly batted her long, darkened eyelashes, licking her shiny lips. “You know, I think you look just like the lead singer from that rock band, Sane Lunatics.”

I stared at the floor, dejected. He did favor the guy Kelsey referred to, with his wavy shoulder-length blond hair and brown beard and long narrow face. He had rock star good looks. We all know what kind of women men like him fell for.

OK, besides the fact that my exhaustive research on Rhapsody reveals no such band as the Sane Lunatics (maybe the author was thinking of Nelly's hometown crew St. Lunatics [warning... egregious Flash misuse]?)... sociological research has revealed that men are only named Blaze in ABC soap operas and the half-baked fantasies of the sort of women who slap their children in Wal-Mart.

Confession stories hew to a strict formula: low- to lower-middle-socioeconomic class woman is driven by financial, familial or romantic crisis to engage in transgressive activity (in the '20s, it was "smoking dope"... now it's pimping your teenage daughter or boffing the Schwan's man). She eventually summons up the courage to confront her dilemma head-on, usually by confessing all to a Trusted Friend or Loved One (though apparently one confession isn't enough, since she then feels compelled to share her story with thousands of Dear Readers). She is rewarded by a neat wrap-up of her problem that reinforces Middle American values of home, family, patriotism and coupon-clipping. All is well in the state of Denmark.

Apparently, I'm not the only person fascinated by the phenomenon of confession magazines... I found this cool article by John Marr of the SF Bay Guardian which goes a little more into their history and culture (and isn't nearly as snide as I am. Kudos, John.).

You can also learn how to write confession stories of your very own from Michael Bracken at SFWA.

Go forth, read, enjoy! And remember... even if your mother forced you into 48 hours of sex with a fat banker, then sold nude photos of you to a horny sheik and reinvested the proceeds in a meth/gun-running racket... you can always churn out 2000 to 6000 words about it and sell it for a modest profit.

Comments

[Elaine]

Hmmm.....now you've got me thinking....I haven't queried this genre yet...What could my "True Confession" be? Here is just a sampling from today alone!

I ACCIDENTALLY STOLE A LIME FROM THE GROCERY STORE!

I CURSED LIKE A SAILOR AT THE SCRAPBOOK STORE!

MY CHILD AT EASTER CANDY BEFORE BREAKFAST!

CHAINED TO THE WASHING MACHINE! (OK, IT JUST FEELS THAT WAY....)

The possibilities are limitless, I tell you....

E

[abbya]

Thank goodness! I have finally found a place for all of my unbelieveably true, growing up stories. Few people know that I am actually the inspiration for Reba McIntire's song Fancy. My experiences are so rarely appreciated........It is good to know there is an outlet. And, an interested reader such as you....

[shimelle.~*]

omg.
i will never remember that big yellow truck o' ice cream in the same way.
EVER.
<3

[traci]

WOMAN FOLDS LAUNDRY.

Damn. I'm never gonna be cool enough to make it in this world.

[Nancy (scrappyknees)]

Molly, you are too damnmed funny for your own good! I love what you write about, and how you choose to express yourself!!! The best part? You are 100% dead on the door nail, baby!

[Nancy (scrappyknees)]

Oh, and apparently, I can't spell curse words.

[Gwyn]

Forget True Confessions. The REAL campy guilty pleasure would be Weekly World News. I came dangerously close to buying the current issue to find out about the poor alien taken into custody in Riverside CA because he was searching for his half breed child, pictured on the cover.

True journalism, that! :P

Gwyn

[Cindy]

In the originaly story... Blaze was Brad, Kelsey was Kelly, Tangy was Tanya, and The Sane Lunatics was Nickelback.... They change those things.... to protect the innocent!

[Roberta Beach Jacobson]

Thanks for the belly laugh. Those of us who create confessions for a living do chuckle a bit as we write. (BTW, the editors change our titles!)

Roberta

[gooewvz]

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While points are there had been only several adult married girls one of many colonist to do every one of the preparing food. As a result, Basic Bradford delivered a number of troopers to seek out fowl. These people cut back countless that it could supply the complete community to get a week. The actual Wampanoags led several deer and possibly various other materials like a indication of good manners. The meal indexed by Winslow�s consideration contains hammer toe food, seafood such as largemouth bass as well as cod and outrageous fowls as well as turkeys. Stuff that are not shown yet had been accessible to the actual Pilgrims as part of your meal have been seafood, bunnie, fowl, squashes, beans, chestnuts, peach nut products, onions, leeks, dried up fruit, maple syrup and honey, radishes, clothing, peas, ovum and perhaps goat mozzarella dairy product. Then apples weren't accessible and butter along with oil had been scarce. 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Nevertheless egypr was unheard of because Christmas fare until finally following 1800. Simply by 1857 that had become area of the standard dinner throughout Colonial. The particular The thanksgiving holiday Day meal that has been supported for the Civilian Resource efficiency Corps inside 1935 was comprised of pickles, natural olives, green beans, beef roast bulgaria, oyster stew, cranberry extract gravy, giblet gravy, dressing, creamed asparagus guidelines, snowflake taters, baked celery, callus, hot sheets, fresh fruit salad, mince meats pie, berries meal, candies, fruit, oatmeal, People from france spill java, pipes as well as smokes. The household and close friends current at the The thanksgiving holiday table are anticipated to reflect upon and become thankful for anything that offers took place recent times. Since bulgaria will be the typical primary dish The thanksgiving holiday may also be colloquially known as Egypr Day time. The actual USDA (United States Office involving Farming) approximated in which 269 thousand turkeys were elevated in the united states throughout 2004, regarding one-sixth that have been destined for any The thanksgiving holiday supper dish. The average cost of an entire Christmas banquet ended up being roughly $41 in 07. It has recently been believed in which Of sixteen � Twenty percent involving twelve-monthly egypr intake in the united states can be caused by Christmas in addition to being almost as much ast 30 percent of consumption takes place during the holidays involving The thanksgiving holiday as well as New Year�s Day time. Nearly all turkeys tend to be filled up with a bread-based filling along with roasted. The standard natural herb that's combined with the actual padding (also referred to as outfitting) is sage, together with a few marauded green beans, green beans, and also don't forget the onions. Turducken, any egypr full of a duck, full of a new hen is becoming very popular by reviewing the Cajun base within La. Soaring throughout reputation is deep-fried egypr requiring a particular fryer to carry the larger chicken along with sadly resulting in fire along with negative melts away in case you are not able to take care when dealing with this sort of vast amounts regarding protein. In recent times it's also correct that since the untamed inhabitants regarding turkeys features rebounded in most of the US, a few will search and dress their own egypr in the woodlands then get cold the idea right up until meal preparing. At times non-traditional food items are dished up as the major meal instead of poultry. Goose as well as duck, that have been classic Eu reception hall decor regarding Xmas meal have finally been displaced through crazy and so are now sometimes supported as opposed to your The thanksgiving holiday poultry. 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Jim the mix in a huge casually buttered rectangular preparing pan (it should create a 1-inch coating inside the pot). Dot with outstanding butter as well as bake with regards to Fortyfive minutes, until gold brown and set inside center. Vacation Spud Lasagna pan Ingredients: �3 weight potatoes, peeled & quartered �1 1/2 twigs butter (Some oz .) �2 tiny (3 ounces) offers product mozerella, melted �1 pot shredded Cheddar mozerella �1 container (Only two oz) cut pimiento, cleared �1 little eco-friendly spice up, carefully cut �6 natural let's eat some onions, quickly marauded �1/2 mug grated Mozerella �1/4 pot milk �1 teaspoon sea salt Preparation: Prepare potatoes within cooking normal water to cover 15 minutes or even until sensitive; deplete as well as mash. Add butter and product parmesan cheese; conquer from channel pace together with along with power mixing machine right up until clean. 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