Very little to report; I've just had the nonsense phrase above stuck in my head on and off for several days and felt compelled to share.
I have the house to myself, and it's simultaneously blissfully quiet and utterly paralyzing. There are so many things that I could be doing that I find myself reading Gor parodies and talking to the cat instead. A stack of things-to-do awaits, even messier and voluminous-er than it was yesterday; I woke up to inexplicable network problems and was forced to disassemble the office looking for my broadband username & password. Grrr.
Google tells me there are 64,300 hits for the word "maundering," of which this post is a prime example, and not one single solitary hit for the phrase (in quotes) "things to say to a cat." So in the interests of correcting this grave omission, I offer this list of Things to say to a cat.
- Get out of the laundry basket; you're getting hair all over.
- Who's Mama's princess? You're Mama's princess!
- Don't you know cats are supposed to be cleanly animals? ("Cleanly" must be pronounced as if it were the first two syllables of "cleanliness.")
- Dance, dance little kitty, dance! (To the cadence of the Violent Femmes' "Dance, Motherfucker, Dance." Must be said while dangling a bit of salmon or something else just over the cat's head so that she has to stand up on her back paws to retrieve it.)
- Who's a disgusting horrible little monster? You're a disgusting horrible little monster! (Must be said in exactly the same hideous squishy tone as #2.)
- Remind me again why we brought you home from the Humane Society. Because I can't remember right now. (Said when Kitty has, in her adorable way, knocked over the brine shrimp tank.)
- My cat has fleeeeas... they bite her kneeeees. (This is actually sung, rather than said. And yes, our cats have fleas. And yes, we've been taking serious chemical steps to get rid of them.)
- No, kitty, it's a bad kitty! (This cannot be said often enough. I really want to stress this point.)
- You have sharp pointy feet. (Said when one is just trying to relax with a bit of TV and the cat is doing that weird front-paws-only kneading dance on one's chest.)
- I smell something rotten. Must be a rotten kitty!
- Aren't you creatures supposed to be aloof? (Said when Kitty is determinedly mushing you as you attempt to get something, anything accomplished with your computer.)
- So, do you come here often? (Must be said to cats as they crowd each other at the food dish immediately after you've filled it with the same nauseous dreck as they always get.)
(We're charter members of the Low Self-Esteem for Cats Society.)